Overwhelmed

So Dooce had her baby girl this past week and she posted a video of her new baby. I cannot believe that we are going to have one of these little alien like creatures in approx eighty days. I am not sure how you are supposed to react when you finally get everything you have spent your entire life praying for. I know that may sound like an odd comment to make, I know that we of course spend our time saying "thank you God, thank you God, thank you God." But beyond that, I am not sure how to reconcile myself to the reality that we are having a baby, this isn't a cruel joke, no one else will take this child and raise her.

Brooke and I share custody of his daughter, she goes back and forth every other week. This arraignment can sometimes be difficult but for the most part it seems to work really well. There is a part of me that expects this baby to have the same arraignment, she will be shuttled off to someone else and we will get to see her when they need babysitting or want to have a play date. I will see her about as much as I see my nephews. I literally cannot seem to wrap my head around the fact that this child will never leave our sight if we so choose. She will never spend a single night away from us if we don't want her to, there is no one else that has a say in where she goes, or how we raise her. Yes, I know that she is God's child and that ultimately he will have the say but you understand the general point I am making. She will be ours. God has entrusted her to us.

I have always thought I would make a good mother, I have spent my life literally learning as much as I can from some of the most amazing mothers out there. Now that it is really happening I hope that I can live up to my own expectations, the expectations of my husband, Gods expectations for how this child will be raised. I am so honored, humbled and overwhelmed at the thought of being a mother, of getting to experience my child's firsts, of not missing periods of her life because I move away or because we have to share custody. When she cries for her mom, it will be me.

There is a part of me that cannot wait for this to start but then I have to remind myself that it has already started. She is with me everyday, I can feel her movements and she can here my voice. I am protecting her from everything and she is relying on me for life. We have reached the point in this pregnancy where we can stop holding our breath. She is healthy and if something were to happen and she was born tomorrow she would be okay, small and not out of the woods but she would have a fighting chance.

I know that before long I am going to be complaining about being pregnant in summer, in Kansas and without an air conditioned car but today I am thankful, I am humbled that God chose me to be her mother and I am going to keep protecting her for as long as I can and I will look forward to the day when we will meet face to face and I will have the opportunity to say, "Hello, I am your mother!"